Hello everyone,

once again I will start up this journal. I might delete all old entries and just start over again. I'm not sure yet. Only time can tell.

I want to change my life, I really do. I want so many things. Lose weight, get a decent boyfriend, study harder, ... It all sounds so easy but to me it isn't. I don't even know if changing my attitude will really change anything. I'm not going to be a better person if I'm thinner and smarter. Sometimes I just feel to damn lonely. I want a serious relationship, but I can't find any serious guys. Maybe I'm to picky, I'm not sure. I just don't want to end up with someone who just wants to score. I guess I don't know what I want. That's the hard part. I want things but I can describe what it is exactly. Maybe that's why I have crushes on guys I'm to scared to approach. I'm afraid that if I find out how they really are and that my bubble will pop. I'm also scared for rejection. I'm scared for so many things. Not that I live in constant angst, but I'm to much of a whimp to do anything about the things I want to change. I'm scared for change, afraid the change will make things even worse. But unless I try to find out, I will never know. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm not a major geek or anything. I concider myself pretty normal on the outside. It's just my mind that is screwed up.

I have no idea what just happened! I was having a lazy time sitting with my laptop on the sofa, watching TV at the same time. I wanted to take the remote control to switch TV channels so I put my laptop down on the floor for a minute. When I take my laptop on my lap again, I don’t see anything on the screen. My first thought was that maybe the laptop has put itself in sleeping mode again. It tends to do this from time to time, I just have to use a special key combination two times and it works again. But it doesn’t work. When I looked a bit closer at the screen, I notice that screen isn’t really black. I could see the stuff that was open before but it was like there wasn’t any light on it. Because I didn’t know what to do, I asked my dad for help. He sends me after the manual of my laptop. The manual didn’t help a lot, suddenly we notice that an error box is on the screen, very vaguely of course. After looking if we could spot the mouse arrow we finally could close that error thing and my laptop shuts down. When we started the laptop again, everything looks just normal again. I have no idea what it was! I wish I knew so that I could prevent it for the next time. My dad thinks someone might have attacked my computer or something. I guess I shouldn’t complain and that I should be glad that everything still works. But still, I don’t find it normal.

Why do I need a private journal if I don't write in it? I don't get it! I have weblog in the internet, but my writings there are very general. I should have a place where I can rant knowing that no one offline might read it.

I'm almost there with my paper. It has to be finished by tomorrow. I have to turn it in on Wednesday so I don't have any other choice. I also have to bind the paper, I must remind me of that. I received an email from university that we have an extra class on Wednesday to. Actually, I don't really mind. Otherwise I had to come just to hand in the paper, at least now I spend the time travelling to university for something useful.

I'm really tired, it's only 22.26. But I think I'll head for bed early. I'm going to get up early tomorrow anyway so I can finish the paper. It's better that my mind is able to concentrate than.